Do I look pregnant, Nurse Know Nothing?

I went to the doctor this morning for a check-up. I would have rather gone to face the firing squad to tell you the truth. You see, I had to go to the OB/Gyn which is not one of my favorite places to go because it is just not much fun. You know what is in store for you, so it’s not really an enjoyable experience. I am much better about it than I used to be though there were times when I would totally flip out when I knew I had an appointment. Now, I can deal with it but I still don’t look forward to the visit.

First off, since I am new at work, I don’t have any sick days or vacation time yet. So, I had to manipulate my schedule so I would be able to get all my hours in for today. I also had to go to Mass this morning for the Feast of the Assumption. I picked the 6:30 Mass because I knew that would allow me to get to work by 7:30 at the latest. After Mass, I ran to work for about 45 minutes so I could get some things done. I had to edit the PowerPoint presentations for Mr. Meany Pants President, which took me the entire 45 minutes to do. Then, I ran to the doctor for my fun, fun, fun visit.

I almost didn’t make it on time because I got behind some idiot who didn’t know how to drive. Then, I had all the people in front of me who don’t know how to maneuver roundabouts, so they wanted me to beat them senseless with a big stick. I picked the first parking spot I could find and ran into the building, which is not small by any means. It’s part of the hospital, so it’s not like going to a regular doctor’s office, you have all the people who are going to the hospital, some going to other doctors in the building and lots of people just going everywhere.

I walked in the office at 8:15, which was 15 minutes before my appointment, but they make you come early to check your insurance and other information. Yeah, like they couldn’t do that over the phone or let me fax it to them. So, after I update my information, which takes all of 2 minutes, I have to sit and wait in the waiting room with the pregnant women who look all cute and then with the stuck up middle age women who gave me the once over when I sat down one chair away from her. What the hell? Don’t give me the evil eye byotch. Just because I sat down in the same row of chairs as you doesn’t mean I’ll give you cooties or anything like that. I’ve had my vaccines.

My appointment time comes and goes. Almost all the people who came in after me, even Ms. Stuck up Middle Aged women, get called for their appointments. Their appointments couldn’t have been much before or after mine, so why am I still sitting here waiting to have some doctor look at my girly bits and have some speculum stuck up my vajayjay? Dealing with Mr. Meany Pants President would be 10,000 times more enjoyable. I was beginning to think I should tell the little receptionist I needed to leave and go back to work if this was going to take much longer because I didn’t have time to waste. As it was, I had eaten up all the time I had banked by going in early Thursday and this morning and I couldn’t stay late because I had to work at the nursing home at 4:30. Just when I was ready to leave, they called my name.

The nurse took me back to weigh me, my second least favorite thing to do, and she took me to the exam room. She took my blood pressure, which I had to let her know, is always low. The last time I was there, they thought I was dead because my blood pressure was so low. Just because I am a big girl doesn’t mean I have high blood pressure. Then, she asks me “Are you here for a post-partum check-up?” Post-partum, meaning having had a baby come forth from my loins? Um, no! She is baffled. I guess she assumed because I am a big girl, I had just given birth. Then, she asks if I am there for a pre-natal visit. By Pre-natal, you mean pregnant. Oh, hell-to-the-no! I seriously wanted to say “Lori (that was her name) check my damn chart and it will tell you why I am here today!!! Here’s your sign!” But, I refrained. Next, Nurse No Brains asks “Do you have your uterus?” Yes, last time I checked. Although, I would like to trade it in for a newer model because the current version is tipped and tilted to one side, which I found out can make it difficult to conceive and have children. “What about your ovaries?” Well, even though they had trouble finding them on the ultrasound in February, I do indeed have ovaries, which sometimes work and other times, they don’t. However, I do still have them intact. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I know the office is busy and I know they see a lot of patients, but does it really take that long to just look at the person’s information? They actually have it all on their little laptops. It’s not like they have to go to the ends of the Earth to find out if I have just given birth or if I still have all my girly parts.

After my near showdown with Nurse Know Nothing, I have to get undressed from the waist down and sit with the nice sheet across my body and wait for the doctor. Oh, joy and rapture! I can’t wait for that nice cold speculum. Oh, what fun it is to be a girl. The doctor comes in, gives me some small talk and then, it's time for the fun. The exam isn't so bad, it actually went really quickly and it was over. I think I spent more time sitting in the waiting room than I did for my whole exam. I am just glad it is over. I'm still mad at Nurse Know Nothing thought I looked pregnant or like I had been pregnant. What a dumb butt. So, until next time, Diva Divine