I am forgotten like the unremembered dead; like a dish that now is broken...

I don’t need any lip about not posting for a while. No lip, got it? Good. I’ve been saving up all my anger and frustration for now! Last week, we had a meeting with our financial planner at work. I was under the impression the meeting was to be about 401k’s. I have not started my 401k yet, so I was in desperate need of a tutorial session. I have no clue how to invest my money. My previous jobs have done it for me, but now I have options, so I was clueless as to what the process really entailed. I should have just stayed at my desk and worked because I came from the meeting having not learned anything and ready to beat someone—anyone’s head against the nearest wall.

First off, the financial planner guy was late! Dude, your office is a five-minute walk from our office! You can see our office from your office. How can you be late? Then, his PowerPoint presentation wouldn’t work, which put him further behind and by this time I was ready to check out. Finally, he gets started and the whole discussion is about DEBT! HUH? I was told this session was about 401k’s, so I guess I went to the wrong auditorium… oh wait, we only have one auditorium in our building and I was in it! I did not need a thirty-minute lecture on debt. If I wanted that lecture, I would watch an episode of the Suze Orman and fight the urge to slit my wrist while listening to her irritating voice drone on like nails on a chalkboard. I have student loan debt and a car payment. Yes, that does mean I am in debt. However, I am not in credit card debit, so I think I am doing okay. Not that I wouldn’t like to have all my student loans paid off by now, but considering I spent six years earning a wage which would have allowed me to qualify for low-income housing and public assistance, having those loans paid off by now is just a pipe dream. I had a college degree and I was making less than a manager at a fast food restaurant. That’s what you get for working for Jesus. Then, I went back to school to work on my Masters. Thus, incurring more debt. I was two classes from my degree when I decided I didn’t want to be a school principal anymore and I quit. Probably not the best choice of my life, but I was so sick of school and so sick of education, I felt I had to make the break. This means I will be paying for school until, let me do some calculations here….. okay, I will be paying for school until I die!

Back to the financial planner dude, sorry, I got sidetracked. So, the whole session was about getting out of debt, how debt was bad, and the only way to get out of debt was to approach it the same way one would approach eating an elephant. How does one eat an elephant-- one bite at a time. Let me tell you, I have heard that saying more times in the last few months than I care to and when Mr. Financial Planner said it, I thought I was going to catapult from my seat and go carnival freak crazy on him and scratch his eyes out! I was able to keep my cool and not go off, but it took all the restraint I had in my body to not throttle him and alleviate my frustrations.

The whole financial planning session was quite the life sucking experience. Yeah, like a big Hoover vacuum sucking all the fun out of my life, draining me dry. It didn’t help matters any that my life is already in some downward shame spiral. The financial planning session was the cherry on top of the downward shame spiral sundae. There are days when I am okay. Things are manageable. I can deal with everything and it’s all good. Then, there are moments, hours, sometimes days when things are just too overwhelming and it takes everything I have to just get out of bed and deal with my life. I have to keep myself in check, so I don’t break down in tears over little things that wouldn’t bother other people, but cause me to fall apart. It’s just something you can’t explain to other people because I don’t understand it myself. I know the way this feels and I know where these feelings can go and the road they have led me down before. I know the feeling of utter and complete helplessness that comes with it. It’s like hanging on the edge of a cliff and you keep digging your nails in deeper and deeper into the dirt so you don’t fall down, but no matter how hard you try to hang on, you feel yourself slipping and that big black hole beneath you is waiting to swallow you up.

I think about just walking away from everything. I feel like I wouldn’t be missed. I don’t think I am doing anything in my life that is making any difference to anyone. There are days when I just want someone to hug me, to let me fall apart and maybe they would help put me back together again. Whatever together means. I just want to feel whole again. I just want to be me again, but I don’t even know who I am, so that seems like it’s impossible.

So, I fill my days with work and sleep and I try to act like I’m okay. If only they could read what is really going through my head, they would know it’s all an act and I’m not okay. I’m a straddling that fine line between okay/dealing/functioning and a full-blown breakdown. I refuse to go back to the “crazy hospital” because this time, they would make me stay. This time there would be no letting me go home and coming back for group sessions. They’d keep me and my whole act would be blown then what would I do if everyone knew the truth?

I don’t know how long I can keep up my act. There are times when I just want to give up because it hurts too much to try. I feel defeated. I don’t know where my life is going. I’m at the point where I know I’m going to die alone. I’ll be the name in the obituaries that only tells you when the person died and who is handling the arrangements. It reminds me of this song we sing at Mass that says “For all my foes reproach me; all my friends are now put to flight. I am forgotten like the unremembered dead, like a dish that now is broken.” I am indeed a broken dish, shattered into a million pieces, and there’s not enough glue to fix me.

Until next time, Diva Divine

Storm by Lifehouse
How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be all right
And know everything is all right

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be all right

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be all right

And know everything is all right
Everything is all right

Everything is all right

Rest in Peace (pieces) my Lovely Linksys

I am saddened to inform you all of the tragic and untimely death of my Linksys Router. The old Linksys, or Link as I called him/her (can routers have genders??), has been there through it all.... good Internet connections, bad Internet connections, no Internet connections at all. Through the days of online classes and my endless nights of web surfing, Old Link was there for me, like a trusted member of the family. However, in the past three months, Link's health began to decline, dropped Internet connections became the norm and Link didn't like to play nice with my trusty MacBook. Sadly, Link was replaced today by AirPort Express. Link is survived by MacBook, AirPort Express, Motorola Cable Modem and the dust bunnies behind the dresser. Link was preceded in death by my Toshiba Satellite Laptop, which was viciously stolen by punk thugs and presumably busted up for parts or pawned for a quick buck. A traditional Irish Wake was held this evening at my abode for Link. Libations were consumed and Hail Mary's recited. It will be a private burial. Please take a moment to remember Link when you access your wi-fi and remember to thank your router for the fine, fine work it does. I have included photos for all to see.  Until next time, Diva Divine
***Please note, no routers were harmed in the Wake festivities.*****


Ode to Linksys
I purchased you, my Linksys, on a fine spring day
I am sending you off to Techno-Jesus when it's cold and gray.
Once you were so speedy, so reliable, so trusty
Yet, like all technology, you got slow and rusty.
You started going slower and dropping my connection--
I tried to make you work, but couldn't deal with the rejection.
When you wouldn't play nice with my new MacBook, I had to decide--
go back to a PC or commit Router Genocide.
Today I send you off to that techno-graveyard with a tear in my eye,
Good bye my lovely Linksys, good bye, good bye.

**** Yes, I have lost my ever loving mind!********

The hammer has fallen on Link
RIP LinkDon't come between a Diva and her Internet connection



Congrats!!!  It's a girl... AirPort Express!!!  Tied with a bow of course... tee hee!
 

Really, are you kidding me?

Sorry for my absence. I won't make excuses, I'm just lazy and nothing exciting ever really happens in my life. I’ve been going through stuff lately. I just want to sleep and be alone. I don’t have any desire to be around other people, I just want to stay home and sleep. Yes, oh so sunny and fun here at casa de la Diva.

In my insanity last week, I agreed to meet this guy for coffee the day after Christmas. I must have been hit with a stupid stick or something when I said yes. I didn’t know much about this guy, but I know I need to push myself out of my comfort zone and it was only coffee, not a lifetime of commitment.

I almost backed out at the last minute because I just didn’t feel like going. I was running late because it was really foggy. I had been at my Mom’s house for Christmas so I had to drive back home and the drive was not fun. I had 45 minutes to shower, dress, put on make up and drive to Starbucks to meet my coffee date. I just wanted to not show up, but I knew that wasn’t the way to handle the situation, so I just hurried up and got myself ready.

My coffee date was late. I got there with a minute to spare, which is amazing since I had 45 minutes to do everything. I figured he had stood me up when he finally showed up, ten minutes late. He finally walks in and says hello, rushes to the counter and orders his coffee. It was just weird. He kind of blew by me in order to get his coffee fix. I should have taken that as a sign. Run away, right now! But, I didn’t and I spent the next hour and twenty minutes in hell. Okay, not hell but in purgatory.

I felt like it was more of a job interview than a coffee date. Mr. Coffee-aholic chugged his coffee so quickly, I am surprised he could sit still. I think he drank it in the first three minutes of meeting him and then he proceeded to attempt to drain every last drop of coffee from the cup for the duration of the evening.

I found out Mr. Coffee-aholic is a mailman. Also, Mr. Coffee-aholic-Mailman (CAM for short) wears tennis shoes without socks. Hello, Crockett I believe you must have left Tubbs out on your mail route back in the 80’s back in Miami. Mr. CAM listens to NPR and hasn’t watched television in 17 years. Okay, you and I will never be compatible because I have to watch television to see the news or catch multiple episodes of Forensic Files, Law and Order, Jon and Kate Plus Eight and Cold Case Files.

The whole evening just seemed off. Mr. CAM seemed to delight in making me feel like a dumbass or assume I am a dumbass. Didn’t I know that riding a stationary bike was nothing like riding a bike outside? Gee thanks Mr. Obvious, you’re a lifesaver. I never would have figured that one out on my own. I mentioned I was going to run a half-marathon in May. He says to me “You know, you have to train for that.” Really? I said, “I have a trainer and she has me on a schedule.” He then asks me “How much does that cost you?” Huh? Is that really something you need to be asking me? Then, he asks me who my mailman is and I said, “I have no clue.” Oh my goodness, you’d think I had committed acts of treason or something. How dare me not know who delivers my mail. Okay, CAM, I am at work when the mail comes. Therefore, I have no clue who brings it. Furthermore, I don’t really care who brings my mail just as long as it gets to me on time and they don’t swipe my magazines and good mail. He called me narrow minded, or accused me of having narrow vision for not knowing the people around me. I should have slapped him and walked out in dramatic fashion when he said that to me because really, that wasn’t necessary. He also made fun of me for singing in the choir at church and singing church music.

However, that doesn’t even compare to the next topic. He actually had the audacity to ask me whom I voted for in the last election. HUH? Did I hear you correctly? Did you just ask me whom I voted for CAM? None ya… none ya damn business CAM! That’s between God, the paper ballot and me. I was offended.

The evening was finally over. CAM had to deliver the mail the next day. Sorry CAM, I don’t work on Saturday. I will be sitting on my couch watching television. I won’t be going out to see who brings my mail and I won’t be opening any emails from you, either. I hope you can find Tubbs, because perhaps that person will appreciate you for the ass you are. Opps, did I say that aloud? And I wonder why I’m still single? Until next time, Diva Divine