I am forgotten like the unremembered dead; like a dish that now is broken...

I don’t need any lip about not posting for a while. No lip, got it? Good. I’ve been saving up all my anger and frustration for now! Last week, we had a meeting with our financial planner at work. I was under the impression the meeting was to be about 401k’s. I have not started my 401k yet, so I was in desperate need of a tutorial session. I have no clue how to invest my money. My previous jobs have done it for me, but now I have options, so I was clueless as to what the process really entailed. I should have just stayed at my desk and worked because I came from the meeting having not learned anything and ready to beat someone—anyone’s head against the nearest wall.

First off, the financial planner guy was late! Dude, your office is a five-minute walk from our office! You can see our office from your office. How can you be late? Then, his PowerPoint presentation wouldn’t work, which put him further behind and by this time I was ready to check out. Finally, he gets started and the whole discussion is about DEBT! HUH? I was told this session was about 401k’s, so I guess I went to the wrong auditorium… oh wait, we only have one auditorium in our building and I was in it! I did not need a thirty-minute lecture on debt. If I wanted that lecture, I would watch an episode of the Suze Orman and fight the urge to slit my wrist while listening to her irritating voice drone on like nails on a chalkboard. I have student loan debt and a car payment. Yes, that does mean I am in debt. However, I am not in credit card debit, so I think I am doing okay. Not that I wouldn’t like to have all my student loans paid off by now, but considering I spent six years earning a wage which would have allowed me to qualify for low-income housing and public assistance, having those loans paid off by now is just a pipe dream. I had a college degree and I was making less than a manager at a fast food restaurant. That’s what you get for working for Jesus. Then, I went back to school to work on my Masters. Thus, incurring more debt. I was two classes from my degree when I decided I didn’t want to be a school principal anymore and I quit. Probably not the best choice of my life, but I was so sick of school and so sick of education, I felt I had to make the break. This means I will be paying for school until, let me do some calculations here….. okay, I will be paying for school until I die!

Back to the financial planner dude, sorry, I got sidetracked. So, the whole session was about getting out of debt, how debt was bad, and the only way to get out of debt was to approach it the same way one would approach eating an elephant. How does one eat an elephant-- one bite at a time. Let me tell you, I have heard that saying more times in the last few months than I care to and when Mr. Financial Planner said it, I thought I was going to catapult from my seat and go carnival freak crazy on him and scratch his eyes out! I was able to keep my cool and not go off, but it took all the restraint I had in my body to not throttle him and alleviate my frustrations.

The whole financial planning session was quite the life sucking experience. Yeah, like a big Hoover vacuum sucking all the fun out of my life, draining me dry. It didn’t help matters any that my life is already in some downward shame spiral. The financial planning session was the cherry on top of the downward shame spiral sundae. There are days when I am okay. Things are manageable. I can deal with everything and it’s all good. Then, there are moments, hours, sometimes days when things are just too overwhelming and it takes everything I have to just get out of bed and deal with my life. I have to keep myself in check, so I don’t break down in tears over little things that wouldn’t bother other people, but cause me to fall apart. It’s just something you can’t explain to other people because I don’t understand it myself. I know the way this feels and I know where these feelings can go and the road they have led me down before. I know the feeling of utter and complete helplessness that comes with it. It’s like hanging on the edge of a cliff and you keep digging your nails in deeper and deeper into the dirt so you don’t fall down, but no matter how hard you try to hang on, you feel yourself slipping and that big black hole beneath you is waiting to swallow you up.

I think about just walking away from everything. I feel like I wouldn’t be missed. I don’t think I am doing anything in my life that is making any difference to anyone. There are days when I just want someone to hug me, to let me fall apart and maybe they would help put me back together again. Whatever together means. I just want to feel whole again. I just want to be me again, but I don’t even know who I am, so that seems like it’s impossible.

So, I fill my days with work and sleep and I try to act like I’m okay. If only they could read what is really going through my head, they would know it’s all an act and I’m not okay. I’m a straddling that fine line between okay/dealing/functioning and a full-blown breakdown. I refuse to go back to the “crazy hospital” because this time, they would make me stay. This time there would be no letting me go home and coming back for group sessions. They’d keep me and my whole act would be blown then what would I do if everyone knew the truth?

I don’t know how long I can keep up my act. There are times when I just want to give up because it hurts too much to try. I feel defeated. I don’t know where my life is going. I’m at the point where I know I’m going to die alone. I’ll be the name in the obituaries that only tells you when the person died and who is handling the arrangements. It reminds me of this song we sing at Mass that says “For all my foes reproach me; all my friends are now put to flight. I am forgotten like the unremembered dead, like a dish that now is broken.” I am indeed a broken dish, shattered into a million pieces, and there’s not enough glue to fix me.

Until next time, Diva Divine

Storm by Lifehouse
How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be all right
And know everything is all right

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be all right

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be all right

And know everything is all right
Everything is all right

Everything is all right