Sunday, November 30, 2008

Get over it already!

I've been having some trouble with my stomach. Okay, saying that I am having some trouble with my stomach would be an understatement. I've been having a lot of trouble with my stomach. The antibiotics the dermatologist gave me to clear up my face have done just that, and they have also cleared my digestive system as well. I adjusted the time I took the medicine. I made sure I took it with food. I took it with bread. I took it with milk. I took it while standing on one foot, turning in circles and humming "Dixie", but nothing helped. I called the doctor last week and they told me it was okay to only take the medicine once a day. That worked for about five minutes. That just kept me from making five trips to the bathroom before lunch. I started taking Imodium and Gas-X, which helped but only a little. Just enough to help me not have a big blow out at any given moment. It's been very embarrassing.

I was doing really well on Thursday. No problems after taking my medicine, but I did eat a lot at Thanksgiving dinner and that probably helped to absorb the medicine. I thought things were going really well, like I had made it over the hump, and then Friday, it all came crashing down on me. I woke up with an awful backache and I couldn't stay awake for anything. I kept falling asleep and no matter what I did, I could only stay awake for thirty minutes at a time and then I would be out for a few hours. It was not good. I finally forced myself to get up. I wanted to drive back to my house because I had so much to do here. I can only stay in my hometown for about a day because they don't have Starbucks, Target or a 24-Hour Kroger. I got a shower and got dressed then got packed up to leave and then it hit me!!! AHHHHHH!!!! MUST GET TO BATHROOM NOW!!!!!!

So my bathroom escapades have started again. I spent most of yesterday in bed, much like Friday, and late last night, I ended up on the bathroom floor in pain, thinking I was either going to throw up or die from the stabbing stomach pains I was experiencing. All I could think was "I am going to die and they will find me Monday morning when I don't show up for work. Someone will walk in here and find me on the bathroom floor in my t-shirt and underwear." At least the underwear were clean. I don't know how long I stayed on the floor, but it took everything I had to get up and crawl into bed. I spent most of today in bed and I finally had to get up because I had to get my oil changed in my car and I had to sing at Mass. I am calling the doctor tomorrow and asking them to change my medicine because this is not fun. What good is it for my skin to be cleared up if I have to spend all my time in the bathroom? Really, I want to tell my stomach "Get over it already!" I just don't think my stomach is listening. Until next time, Diva Divine

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I almost didn't make it home...

I went to see the dermatologist on Tuesday to take care of some horrible acne I have been having on my back, chest and my face. It was oh so much fun to go see the doctor and let her pick around on my back and see me at my finest. I forgot to mention I almost had to clean the clock of the nurse who had the audacity to tell me "Your acne isn't that bad. I've seen much worse." Okay bitch and I've gotten people fired from their jobs for saying less than that to me. Just talk to the lady who worked for my orthodontist who yelled at me about not brushing my teeth, when I had just brushed my teeth five minutes before my appointment in the office. She accused me of having bread stuck in my brackets, even though I hadn't had bread in days. The "bread" was toothpaste residue and when I told the office manager about Ms. Meanie Pants and how she made me cry, Ms. Meanie Pants wasn't in the office the next time I had an appointment. Yeah Nurse Ratched watch it because you could be next.

Anyhow, they put me on some antibiotics for my acne, which was diagnosed as cystic acne. The first few days, I was fine. But, my stomach and antibiotics don't get along very well. I was hoping this time I was going to escape the icky side effects however, the side effects reared their ugly head late Friday and I have been staying close to the bathroom for the last two and a half days. It really sucks to be chained to the toilet because you are afraid you are going to have a big blow out episode of antibiotic diarrhea. I almost had a big blow out episode in the grocery store and on my way from the garage to my house and again on the way from my front door to the top of my stairs. Oh, it's so much fun getting a full colon cleanse every few hours.

I am trying to make it through this episode of blowout antibiotic gas and diarrhea. I was supposed to have MC come over today and help me move the cabinet from my car to my house, however, when you are expelling gas from your ass, you don't want to have a hottie come over and be exposed to that loveliness. So, I still have a cabinet in my car, gas coming from my ass and pains in my stomach. Oh, I love being me! But at least my skin is clearing up! Until next time, Diva Divine

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I am a fat ass... I need an intervention... NOW!

I have been really busy with work so I haven't had time to post. I know that is no excuse. I've been trying to get my house in order, with Ginny's help, and trying to get my life in order. Anyhow, I went to the doctor today and I got a big slap in the face. I knew I had gained some weight. I have been really stressed. I eat when I am stressed. I didn't think I had eaten that much, but obviously, I have been eating nonstop because I have gained 12 pounds in 6 weeks. 12 freakin' pounds in 6 weeks... that's 2 pounds a week! HOLY FREAKIN' SHIT! So, I am now on official intervention mode. I have alerted everyone that if they should happen to see me with food in my hands, they are supposed to slap me silly, take the food away and slap me again while yelling "HEY FATTY 12 POUNDS.... 6 WEEKS!!!! GO RUN AND STOP EATING BEFORE YOUR ASS GETS ITS OWN ZIP CODE!" Hopefully, that will work.

Good news on other fronts, I started running again this week. I can only run in intervals of two minutes of running, three minutes of walking, but I can run. I am hoping that the running will get me back in check and take some of this weight off of my fat ass. Otherwise, I will be trading my nice clothes for mumu's and tents.

I am still in like with MC. I am more in like with him now than before.  I actually just enjoy MC's company. He makes me laugh. He likes the same music I like. He is smart. He is tall. He is actually nice and thoughtful and an all around good guy. 

Well, I have to get stuff cleaned up and work off the chicken, spinach, and cheese wrap I ate for dinner. I better start running up and down my stairs for the next hour. Until next time, Diva Divine

Monday, November 3, 2008

I will clean your clock!

I think some people really want me to hit them. Seriously, they want me to punch them right between the eyes and knock them out. Why do people insist on working my nerves? Yeah, really haven't figured that one out yet, but if you know the answer, please enlighten me. I'd love to know the answer.

Okay, so I am highly stressed right now because this is a huge week at work. I've been working on this for months. Now that the event is right in front of my face, I'm totally flipping out because everything is hitting me at once. I'm getting slammed from all sides. I want to hold up a sign and wave a white flag, yelling "I surrender!" but I don't think that is going to fly.

I've tried to let things roll off my back, but when people continue to ask me the same questions over and over again or they are just downright heinous, you can't help but fell the need to clean their clock. I mean, even if you ask me a million times, the answer to the question isn't going to change. In fact, if you keep asking me I think that I have free reign to go all bat shit crazy on your ass and scratch your eyes out. Seriously, It's like you are just asking for it. It's an open invitation in my book.

Yes, I am a pain in the ass. That's well known, but most of the time I am a nice person until people make me mad and push me to my limit and then, it's game on! All bets are off and you'd better not cross the Diva once you've done that because you could be in serious trouble,

I had to work at the nursing home tonight, which wouldn't have been so bad had I not woken up at 3:00 this morning, getting just 3 and a half hours of sleep. I was not in the mood to deal with idiot's who can't read, who keep pulling on the door and look at you like you're dumb because they are too damn stupid to follow directions. This lady came in tonight and she refused to push the button to get in the door, like we should just open the door for her because she is just so fabulous. Whatever sister, think again. Unless you are Miss Dorothy in her cute little Jazzy and you can't open the door and maneuver your wheelchair at the same or you are the cute little guy with the walker who can't push the button and open the door at the same time, I am not pushing that button for you. Okay, I will push it for the lady who has two kids, one of whom is in a pumpkin seat because she can't push the button without putting the baby seat on the floor and that isn't necessary. No Ms. I am not pushing the button doesn't fit in any of those categories. She brings some dog in with her, which I think is a big no no, but it's not worth fighting with her. So, Miss I'm Too Good leaves and comes back in (not hitting the button..."Hit the red button") and she is in a big tizzy. Someone is blocking her and she can't get out. OMG! Please leave because you are annoying. I page the person who is blocking her in. They don't come out. She is all up in arms, telling me she is going to call the cops and have the car towed. Whatever, I doubt she knows how to pick up the phone on her own, let alone dial. She gets all honked off because the person blocking her in won't come down so she goes back outside to see if she can get her car out. The blocking driver comes out and I guess they almost came to blows. One of the residents was out there and saw it all happen. Miss Priss came back in and demanded to have the name of the company the blocking driver worked for.... then, when the resident came in I found out Miss Priss was parked illegally in a handicapped parking spot!! She shouldn't even have been where she was, had she not been parked there, she wouldn't have gotten blocked in in the first place. Had I known this, I would have thumped her ass and good. SUH-CUR-ITY!!!!

Now that I have been up for 18 hours, I think it is time to go to bed. I have to get up early so I can vote before work. I am a heinous bitch, but at least I do have some redeeming qualities.... I do turn off the water when I brush my teeth and I give things to charity. Until next time, Diva Divine