Really, are you kidding me?

Sorry for my absence. I won't make excuses, I'm just lazy and nothing exciting ever really happens in my life. I’ve been going through stuff lately. I just want to sleep and be alone. I don’t have any desire to be around other people, I just want to stay home and sleep. Yes, oh so sunny and fun here at casa de la Diva.

In my insanity last week, I agreed to meet this guy for coffee the day after Christmas. I must have been hit with a stupid stick or something when I said yes. I didn’t know much about this guy, but I know I need to push myself out of my comfort zone and it was only coffee, not a lifetime of commitment.

I almost backed out at the last minute because I just didn’t feel like going. I was running late because it was really foggy. I had been at my Mom’s house for Christmas so I had to drive back home and the drive was not fun. I had 45 minutes to shower, dress, put on make up and drive to Starbucks to meet my coffee date. I just wanted to not show up, but I knew that wasn’t the way to handle the situation, so I just hurried up and got myself ready.

My coffee date was late. I got there with a minute to spare, which is amazing since I had 45 minutes to do everything. I figured he had stood me up when he finally showed up, ten minutes late. He finally walks in and says hello, rushes to the counter and orders his coffee. It was just weird. He kind of blew by me in order to get his coffee fix. I should have taken that as a sign. Run away, right now! But, I didn’t and I spent the next hour and twenty minutes in hell. Okay, not hell but in purgatory.

I felt like it was more of a job interview than a coffee date. Mr. Coffee-aholic chugged his coffee so quickly, I am surprised he could sit still. I think he drank it in the first three minutes of meeting him and then he proceeded to attempt to drain every last drop of coffee from the cup for the duration of the evening.

I found out Mr. Coffee-aholic is a mailman. Also, Mr. Coffee-aholic-Mailman (CAM for short) wears tennis shoes without socks. Hello, Crockett I believe you must have left Tubbs out on your mail route back in the 80’s back in Miami. Mr. CAM listens to NPR and hasn’t watched television in 17 years. Okay, you and I will never be compatible because I have to watch television to see the news or catch multiple episodes of Forensic Files, Law and Order, Jon and Kate Plus Eight and Cold Case Files.

The whole evening just seemed off. Mr. CAM seemed to delight in making me feel like a dumbass or assume I am a dumbass. Didn’t I know that riding a stationary bike was nothing like riding a bike outside? Gee thanks Mr. Obvious, you’re a lifesaver. I never would have figured that one out on my own. I mentioned I was going to run a half-marathon in May. He says to me “You know, you have to train for that.” Really? I said, “I have a trainer and she has me on a schedule.” He then asks me “How much does that cost you?” Huh? Is that really something you need to be asking me? Then, he asks me who my mailman is and I said, “I have no clue.” Oh my goodness, you’d think I had committed acts of treason or something. How dare me not know who delivers my mail. Okay, CAM, I am at work when the mail comes. Therefore, I have no clue who brings it. Furthermore, I don’t really care who brings my mail just as long as it gets to me on time and they don’t swipe my magazines and good mail. He called me narrow minded, or accused me of having narrow vision for not knowing the people around me. I should have slapped him and walked out in dramatic fashion when he said that to me because really, that wasn’t necessary. He also made fun of me for singing in the choir at church and singing church music.

However, that doesn’t even compare to the next topic. He actually had the audacity to ask me whom I voted for in the last election. HUH? Did I hear you correctly? Did you just ask me whom I voted for CAM? None ya… none ya damn business CAM! That’s between God, the paper ballot and me. I was offended.

The evening was finally over. CAM had to deliver the mail the next day. Sorry CAM, I don’t work on Saturday. I will be sitting on my couch watching television. I won’t be going out to see who brings my mail and I won’t be opening any emails from you, either. I hope you can find Tubbs, because perhaps that person will appreciate you for the ass you are. Opps, did I say that aloud? And I wonder why I’m still single? Until next time, Diva Divine