What part of "I Don't See Any Others" did you not understand?

The Evil Titmus Machine!!!
I took a part time job answering phones at a local nursing home. I did it because, yeah, you guessed it, I am crazy. Actually, the nursing home is run by the company my Mom works for and originally, it was only supposed to be for a few weeks, but has now gone into more. I am going to try to keep doing it as long as my other job allows, because the extra money is good and it keeps me out of the house.

I had to go today for my physical. Okay, let me tell you this was the most complete physical exam I had ever had in my life. They checked just about every part of my body. They gave me an eye test and let's just say, I didn't do so well. I wear contacts and my prescription hasn't changed in several years. However, you would have thought I was blind. I had to stick my head into one of those goofy machines like they have at the BMV. Yeah, the one that you press your forehead up against and little bar and it makes the machine go on. It is also the one that messes up your makeup and is caked in forehead grease. Oh, yeah! You know what I am talking about.

Anyhow, I had to take this test and I had trouble reading the stupid thing. This test machine is called the Titmus. Remember that name because Titmus = Diva Fails eye test. It wasn't asking you to tell letters, but it made you tell which circles weren't complete. I swear, they all looked complete to me. That thing was messed up. "Toe Up From the Flo Up!" "Janky Ghetto!" "Triflin'". You get my drift. The girl finally figures out that I can't read the stupid thing and lets me go and read the regular eye chart. I pass with flying colors.

However, she makes me go back and use that stupid machine again to check my depth perception. I guess she didn't understand that the first time I tried to use the machine I failed miserably. She just wants to punish me again. This is not fair. She is trying to torture me. I should have cried "abuse" or something like that. Honestly, I think she just wanted to see me look like a dufus so she could write it in her chart. This is where things get scary. I was supposed to tell the girl which "targets" on the machine were jumping out at me. I told her "Just numbers one and two." She told me to look again. I said "There are only two." Wrong. Obviously, I didn't give her the correct answer. So she says, "LOOK AGAIN!" Okay, what part of "I don't see any others" did you not understand? So, she pulls out these fabu sci-fi looking horn rim glasses and tells me to put them on. I know I looked hot. Don't be jealous because I got to wear the fabu glasses and you didn't. Those are obviously reserved for the dufus girls who can't pass the depth perception portion of the test. This was not a special honor. They probably have me on hidden camera and will sell the photos on eBay. I can already tell, this is not going to be fun. She hands me this little card with a piece of yellow yarn attached. She makes me measure the correct distance for the placement of card using the yellow yarn. She says "Tell me which picture in each row pops out to you." Okay, I can only see things popping off at me in three rows, none of the other six rows are popping out at me. I tell her my answer. This is not the answer she wants. She says to look again. Okay, Shalonda (that was her name), I told you I only see three and after that, there is nothing popping out at me in any of the other rows. Either I am blind or your groovy glasses are busted. I have baffled Shalonda and she says "Well, I guess that is good enough." Then she takes my groovy glasses back an writes on her chart that I am too stupid to find the things that should pop out at me on the eye test.

I finish up the testing with being asked to pee on command. I told Shalonda I had just taken a drug screening at the facility and I didn't know if I could pee again. She said "Try. Or we can do it later." Okay Shalonda, you aren't letting me get out of this. She wants to check my "sugars". Whatever, Shalonda, sugar. I finally manage to squeeze out some pee, enough for Shalonda to test my "sugars" and she takes me to the exam room. She tells me to get undressed except for my bra, underwear and socks, and put on the nice little gown. I love this part of the exam. Nothing like feeling like you are exposed to the whole world.

So, the Nurse Practitioner comes in and says "Well, I see you had some trouble with the depth perception test. Do you notice when you park your car, you are miles from the curb?" Okay, Nurse Practitioner Lady, whose name I can't remember, I don't need your lip. The reason I am miles from the curb is because I suck at parallel parking because when I took Drivers Training, I had an instructor who was an idiot. He taught me nothing and then had the gall to give me a no waiver because he said I was not comfortable behind the wheel because I didn't have enough experience driving. Duh!! I was 15 and a half. How much driving experience should I have? No license = No experience driving. That was the whole point of taking Drivers Training!!! Unlike many other parents, my Mom felt it wasn't in my best interest to get behind the wheel of a 3,000 pound machine and drive. She wouldn't even let me drive the riding lawn mower. She was afraid her little girl would get hurt and because of this, I led a very sheltered life. I could expound upon this all day, but I will digress no longer. I guess I can no longer blame my driving instructor for my complete and total lack of being able to parallel park. I can blame it on my lack of depth perception. Many apologies to you Mr. Simpson (not OJ, not Bart, nor Homer...in fact, I can't remember his name...now that will drive me nuts all night). I am sorry I blamed you for my lack of parallel parking experience.

So, it was official, I had failed the depth perception portion of my physical. I feel like a moron. At least I passed the rest. I can answer the phones at the old folks home. I probably have the same depth perception as the people living at the nursing home. I will fit in perfectly. It all works out for the best. I haven't been running into walls or anything, but just give it time. Although, I have several bruises I can't explain. Perhaps those are from my problem with depth perception. I don't know and I really don't want to find out. So, I guess I need to go back to the eye doctor and get all of this checked out. I will keep you updated. Until next time, Diva Divine