I am currently sitting here in the dark of my dingy apartment. It seems my entire apartment complex is without power right now. I have no idea why we don’t have power, it’s not storming, the wind isn’t even blowing. It’s really odd. The subdivision to the east of my apartment has electric, but we are in the dark. You are probably asking yourself “If you don’t have any power, then how are you typing on your computer?” Well, I have a laptop and fortunately, the battery was charged. I don’t know how long that will last because this battery is craptastic and the charge seems to go out quickly. I need a new battery, but I never think about it when I am near the place where I bought my computer and since I bought the “we will replace your battery for life” package, you better believe I will be taking advantage of that deal.
It is not much fun sitting in the dark without electricity. I am fairly certain I would have made a really crappy pioneer. I know, if I were a pioneer, I wouldn’t have had electricity, television, or the Internet. However, I have some feeling I wouldn’t have been a good fit for the lifestyle. I like modern conveniences. I like turning on the faucet and having water come out, flipping on the lights whenever I enter a room, and having air conditioning. I don’t think I would have been very good at hauling water for the kitchen or only getting to take a bath once a week. I can’t go more than a day, sometimes two (If I haven’t been to the gym), without a shower. Seriously, if I don’t shower, I stink. I like smelling good. I don’t think other people want to smell my stink and I don’t want to smell their stink either. Call me vain, but I will forgo sleep for a shower. Seriously, and I am all about the sleep.
I have lit a nice Yankee Candle however it doesn’t really give off that much light. I can’t read a book, which I would do, if I could see and if I actually had a book to read. I guess I could gather around my Yankee Candle and sing Kumbaya or something special like that, but since I am here alone, it would be weird to be sitting around here singing. I already think I am getting close to the loony bin, I don’t want to get any closer. I tried making shadow puppets on the ceiling, I failed miserably at that too.
Oh my goodness, the lights just came back on! Glory be and the Saints be praised!! Actually, I think I need to be saying “Thank you IPL!” It’s only been about 30 minutes since the lights went off. I didn’t go insane, which is a miracle. This only confirms my thought that I would have made a really crappy pioneer.
Tonight I went to visit my friend, Deanna. We have known each other since Kindergarten. Yeah, that’s like 28 years. We lived next door to each other for three years in a little double. I moved when I changed jobs three years ago and she stayed. She began to refer to our little double as “The Shit Pit.” This was because it seemed that every other week, something else went wrong. Deanna seemed to have more things go wrong with her side of the double than I did. I think that was because the landlord had actually lived in my side of the double and he kept that side up to date, more than he did the other side. Deanna’s toilet rocked when you sat down on it. No, I am not kidding you. It rocked like a ride at an amusement park. No matter what she said to the landlord, he didn’t fix it. She said she was waiting for the day when she would be sitting on the toilet and it would fall through to the basement, then maybe he would do something about it.
So Deanna, who couldn’t take it anymore, moved out at the end of March. She has a cute little apartment which is not a “Shit Pit”. She said it is nice to be able to call Maintenance and not have them get mad because you need them to fix something. I agree with her. I hated to call the landlord when something needed fixed because he treated you like a dumb ass because you called and you couldn’t fix it. Hello, I went to college, but I don’t have any knowledge of plumbing, HVAC or electrical wiring. I also have no clue how to catch a squirrel, which by the way, did happen. I had a squirrel in my house for a week. He told me to set a live trap and keep my television on so the squirrel wouldn’t bother me. Hello, nimrod, squirrels have rabies and the noise in my house didn’t scare Chippy in the least. He tormented me and all I could think was I would wake up and have some squirrel staring me in the face. Yes, I would have been committed had that happened.
The Slumlord, Deanna’s affectionate name for our old landlord, sent Deanna a letter today with her deposit. He actually wrote her a note, like some little junior high boy. He got all nasty because he had to paint a wall in her dining room, even though she bought the paint for him and she had actually been in the hospital earlier in the week. There was no way she could have painted anything in her house. He blamed her for not telling him the toilet and the bathtub were clogged. Hello Slumlord, she told you every month that things didn’t work, but he wouldn’t do anything about it. I thought Deanna was going to kill him when she was telling me about it. She said at least she did get part of her deposit back, because she was convinced she wouldn’t get anything back because he was such a freak. She said as much as she didn’t want to go back to an apartment, it was better than the “Shit Pit” because not only did the Slumlord do nothing, the house, was making her sick. Yes, I think Deanna’s side of the house had a big, bad mold problem. This probably meant my side had a mold problem too, but her side seemed to be much worse. I think it was in the carpets and in her ceiling, too. I had hardwood floors, so I didn’t have the whole carpet issue. I think the mold rose up from the basement, which was always wet, and settled in her carpets. She had the mysterious “bubble” on her dining room ceiling which grew each time it rained. But, according to Slumlord, there wasn’t anything wrong. Deanna said her health improved within a week of moving out of the house. I don’t think she will miss the “Shit Pit”. I have to say, I didn’t miss it when I moved either. I didn’t need the stress of the freaky, Slumlord. No one needs that in their life.
So let’s review what we learned today: I would make a crappy pioneer. I am vain and like modern conveniences. I don’t like to smell stinky and I can’t make shadow puppets on the ceiling. I once lived in a double affectionately known as “The Shit Pit” and I’ve known Deanna since Kindergarten. A squirrel named Chippy once tormented me for a week and I rented a double from a slumlord. That’s a lot of information, but I am sure you can handle it. Until next time, Diva Divine
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