Monday, May 19, 2008

The games boys play

I went to the gym this morning, a little later than usual. When you go at the same time everyday, you tend to see the same people, but throw that time off by 20 to 30 minutes and the whole cast of characters changes. Forrest Gump said "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." Well, that applies to the gym too. Go a little later and you don't know who you'll run into.

I don't know if everyone is getting ready for bathing suit season, I am guessing that is what they are doing because everyone has hired a trainer. I have nothing against trainers, I have a trainer, but I don't bring them to the gym with me. I go to them. All the trainers who are associated with the gym were there this morning, with clients. I hate it when the trainers are there because I feel like they scrutinize every move you make and say to themselves, "She has no clue what she is doing, her form is all wrong." Then, I look at what their clients are doing and I want to say "WORK THEM A LITTLE HARDER....YEAH, IF I'M GOING TO PAY YOU $55.00 AN HOUR, YOU BETTER MAKE ME SWEAT!" My trainer kicks my butt. I sweat like a mad woman. I curse her and swear she is trying to kill me. She knows it comes from place of love. Then, I email her 36 hours later and tell her I cry out in pain every time I try to sit down on the toilet, get up from a seated position, roll over in bed and do anything more strenuous than breathe. I tell her my muscles are taking her name in vain. This lasts for at least another 36 hours....even with the continuous dosing of Advil...until my body recovers and decides to cooperate.

Anyhow, the place was packed with trainers and if that wasn't bad enough, I had to deal with the show-off's. There were three boys, opps, I mean grown men jumping rope. Okay, the gym isn't really that big and of course, like a bunch of dumb boys, they have to stand right in the flow of traffic from the stretching area to the other equipment. Then, they wonder why people give them dirty looks. Duh! Move! Here's your sign!!

Anyhow, I was almost done with my workout and I needed to do push ups and then stretch to cool down. I can't get back to the mats because Jumpin' Jack Flash with his Jump Rope wants to show off for his buddies (Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb) and this ditzy blonde with fake boobs (Boob-Job Barbie). Excuse me Showboat, Fatty here needs to get to the exercise ball so she can finish her circuit and go home to wash her smelly body. I don't want to get whacked in the head with your stupid jump rope. That would leave a mark and then I would have to go all carnival freak crazy on your ass and scratch your eyes out because how would I ever be a teen model if I had a scar on my face or a broken nose? Didn't he see the episode of the Brady Bunch when Greg threw the football and Marcia got hit in the nose with it? Probably not because Jump Jack Jump Rope and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb weren't alive when that show aired and they are far too dumb to have watched it in syndication on Nick at Night.

I finally manage to squeeze my body between two pieces of weight equipment and get back to the stability balls so I can do my push ups. All I can think is "Please God, DO NOT let me fall off this damn (*sorry*) ball today. If you do, I promise I won't ask for things only when I need them. I will be a better Catholic. Amen." Well, Jack Flash is still thinking he is Rocky Balboa and he is showing Dee and Dumb how fast he can jump. "Please God, I know I said I wouldn't ask for things if you kept me from falling off this ball, but I would really be grateful if you would trip that guy so he falls and realizes he is not all that. He doesn't know the meaning of piety. Teach him a lesson....plus, he is blocking the traffic flow through the gym and making life miserable for all the patrons. He is an OSHA violation!! I still promise to be a better Catholic and all that other stuff. Amen."

Well, my line to G-O-D apparently doesn't work or it was busy, because Jack did not trip on his jump rope. He encouraged Dee and Dumb to have a jumping contest. Are you kidding me? Dueling jump ropes? Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh....think about the banjo playing geek from Deliverance...okay, you got it now. "Dear God, okay, I know I said I wasn't asking for stuff, but you really need to intervene. This is crazy. Why must I be subjected to Jack, Dee and Dumb and their foolish playground antics? For the love of, well, GOD (yeah, that's you...the big G-O-D), please put an end to this insanity. If you want me to be a better Catholic, please cause their jump ropes to become intertwined and tangled so they fall flat on their faces and then maybe they will realize they need to take their double dutch contest somewhere other than right in the middle of the traffic flow through the gym. Please, please, please, please, please and thank you."

I finish my 60 push ups without falling off the ball...thanks be to GOD! (Guess He listened to that one.) But, Dee and Dumb were still jumpin' when I finished. I swear, if they would have let go of the handles on that jump rope, and it would have hit me.....They would have been praying to God for mercy because I would have gone all bat shit crazy on them. Yeah, I would have karate chopped them and tied them up with their stupid jump ropes. Arghhh! Stupid boys and their stupid showing off. Boob-Job Barbie could have cared less about them because she was with Malibu Ken with the optional beefy biceps. It was all for nothing....when will the boys learn?

I think I need to go back to my regular gym time. So what if I have to deal with Elvira and the Skinny Man (I will elaborate later), and the three loud ladies who, no matter what the volume is on my iPod, I can hear all their conversations. Oh, and I can't forget the guys who come to the gym just to lean on the equipment and act like they are "pumping iron" so they can watch all the fake boobs bounce up and down when the "College Cuties" run on the treadmills. Dude, you aren't fooling me...my biceps are bigger than yours and well, I have yet to see you break a sweat. You can stay home and watch "Sports Center", yeah, they do broadcast it to places other than the gym. Just as long as I don't have to deal with Jack, Dee and Dumb and their plethora of jump ropes I think I will be okay. I can stop asking God for things only when I need them. Because the first time one of them hits me with that jump rope because they are messing around, well, you'll need to buy a ticket and see the show....I promise to offer free popcorn and 50 cent diet coke. It will be a sight to behold....I do know Karate and six other Japanese words! Hiyah! Karate chop! Banzai!!! And as I tie them up with the jump ropes, I will exclaim "Yeah, yeah, yeah, how you like me now....Bitches??? Huh, thought you were so cool, did ya? Actin' all hot and macho with your jump rope? Now, that I just kicked your butt and tied you up with your jump rope, who's laughin' now? Huh? It's all fun and games until someone loses their jump rope, and then, it's hilarious!" Okay, I feel better now. Until next time, Diva Divine

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