Shalonda you were so wrong!

I went to the eye doctor today for a check up. I hadn’t been in about a year and a half and I had some sneaking suspicion my prescription had changed because it was becoming more difficult to see small print. I thought it could just be the fact that I don’t change my contacts as often as I should, but even when I would change them, things would only get better for a day or two and then I was straining my eyes again to see. I was also concerned about my lack of depth perception, which was pointed out to me when I failed that section of my physical with Shalonda back in July. I thought Shalonda was full of sh…. well, you get the picture, but I still had it in the back of my mind that I was having trouble with my vision.

I had gone to the same eye doctor since I was seven years old. I was one of his first patients when he finished med school. But, now that I am living over a hour from his office and paying $3.53 a gallon for gas, my loyalty flew out the window when I realized I could go to an eye doctor who was a mere five minutes from my house. I do feel a little bit like a traitor, but I am really not in the mood to drive all that way just to see my old doctor and have the same exam I could have done by any eye doctor.

I picked an eye doctor who is in a group of several doctors. The company has several offices all over the city, so even if my doctor wasn’t able to see me in an emergency, there would be other doctors in the group that I could go to. The group has been in practice for several years, so I felt comfortable going to see the doctor because if you say the name of the group, people automatically know what you are talking about and their reputation is very good. They are also locally owned by the same family who started the practice so they aren’t going anywhere. Not to mention they have really funny television commercials. Oh course, that is no reason to pick one doctor over another, but advertising does make a big difference and play a roll in those types of decisions, even if we don’t want to admit it to ourselves or anyone else for that matter.

So, I went in for my exam and it was the most complete eye exam I had ever had before. They tested me for glaucoma, cataracts, they measured this and took pictures of that, I had five tests before I ever went into the exam room. I then had to read the eye chart and all those fun things you do when you go to the eye doctor. I made sure I told the person doing the different exams on me that I had failed the depth perception test in July. She said “Well, that’s funny because you passed the one I just gave you here!” So ha, Shalonda! I am not a big depth perception test failer. Stick that in your peace pipe and smoke it Shalonda! Boo yeah!

When the doctor came in she says to me “I see your prescription shows you are…” she was trying to find a nice way to say blind. I said to her “blind?” “Not blind, but it’s really strong.” That’s a nice way of saying blind. I had to do all those tests where they put the different lenses in front of your eyes and ask “Which one is better, one or two?” That test makes me nervous because I am afraid of picking the wrong one and getting a bad prescription. This time it didn’t seem as hard to find the one that looked better, so I knew my eyes had changed. I love being blind.

I asked the doctor about failing the depth perception test and she explained why I had such difficulty. Since I am so nearsighted, my brain doesn’t see things like everyone who is not nearsighted. My eyes can’t focus on things together, they have to do it one at a time, so when things are at different depths are difficult for me to discern. My brain wants to use both eyes together to determine the depth of things, but my eyes can’t do that so, it sends the wrong message to my brain and that is why I can’t see things in varied depths. So, I didn’t really fail the test, it was because my eyes are so screwed up! Again, suck on that one, Shalonda!!!

After my exam, the doctor told me my prescription had changed and I am now -8.0 in one eye and -7.50 in the other. I guess it’s not really that bad considering my prescription hadn’t changed in about 10 years. So, I got new contacts and I can see a lot better now. These are probably the most comfortable contacts I’ve had ever. Even if I can now be called “Blind Betty”…until next time, Diva Divine

Annoyed

I had to run a conference call today, the first one I have ever done on my own. I had to also use an online web meeting tool because we were editing a document and everyone needed to see it. I was a little apprehensive about it because you never want to look like a dumb ass in front of people, especially online and especially when you are new at a job. My boss was supposed to be there with me because she was supposed to be in on the editing too, but she ended up bailing out on me. Well, things were okay until one of the people's cell phones died and all they had was internet access. Then, I mentioned we could chat with her via the web tool and that is when things went south. The two people who were offsite started chatting to one another, in a private chat and weren't paying any attention to what we were supposed to be doing. When I called them on it, because I could see the chat icon going when nothing was coming up on the screen, they were all like "We aren't chatting....." Oh, so that icon is going on and off all by itself? Are you f-ing kidding me? Do you think I am a stupid? You can waste your own time, but I really don't have time to waste waiting for you to comment on something we are getting paid to work on. I had a ton of work on my desk that was piling up and I had to spend two hours doing something that could have been done in an hour if they hadn't been messing around. Whatever! Don't make me go all Diva on your asses!

I think today was just not my day. I have been trying to return this lady's phone call for a week. I have left her messages and she won't call me back. She won't call me back, she will only call my boss. Guess I'm not good enough for her to talk to or important enough. Okay lady, when I give you my number and say I need you to call me, you better call me or at least tell my boss I had left you messages. No, the lady doesn't tell her this, so I look like a dumb ass who doesn't do her job. I emailed her today and said "We've been playing phone tag. Please email me or call so I can get your information to you." What does she do? She calls my boss again!!! AYFKM??? I didn't know if I should cry or scream. Possibly both. I tell my boss, over the cubicle wall after she gets off the phone, "That lady is seriously making me mad. She won't return my calls or my emails. She is making me look like I didn't do my job." So, I emailed her the information she wanted and if she calls back and says she didn't get it, I will have to go all Diva on her ass because I have the email delivery receipt to prove I did send it and it was delivered.

We do these things called "huddles" with our team everyday. We talk about what we are working on and stuff like that to keep everyone up to date. I have an awful short-term memory and I have to have a list. Anyhow, I go through my stuff and my boss butts in and more or less says that I shouldn't be going over my things I am doing and then proceeds to make me feel like a dumb ass in front of everyone. Especially when everyone else does exactly what I do in the huddle every morning and they don't get jumped for it. I really wanted to cry. I just think it wasn't my day.

Now, I am sitting in bed with my knee propped up on a pillow because it is hurting. I should be asleep, but I couldn't fall asleep so I got up and turned on my computer hoping writing all this out would help me get over it and be able to fall asleep. I have so many things that are really eating at me and adding this to those things isn't helping matters. I want to sit down and just cry, just try to get it all out, but I can't. There are times when I have unpleasant thoughts. Sometimes they are fleeting thoughts and other times, they last longer. I have worked so hard to push those thoughts away, but I can't do it all the time and when things start going wrong in other areas, it becomes increasingly harder to keep it all together. I try so hard, but I am just not strong enough. I just need to get my life together or get my head on straight.....until next time, Diva Divine

What part of health class did these people miss?

Everyone knows how I am about showering after being at the gym. Well, it seems some people missed the part of health class when they talked about that subject. I had this feeling a girl at the gym wasn't showering, but I wasn't sure. Today, I had confirmation she doesn't shower. I got out of the shower and I saw her get her stuff out of the locker. I thought she was leaving. However, I was wrong because just as I was finishing getting ready she comes back in dressed and she gets her coat out of the locker, puts it on and leaves. Unless she is Superwoman and gets dressed in phone booths, she didn't shower before she left for work and she was dressed for work. She had been in the tanning bed (don't even get me started on that.... she is stinky and will have skin like a leather boot in ten years) and got dressed in there! GROSS!!! Not only did she sweat when she worked out, but she was probably sweating in the tanning bed. I really don't get it... what's so difficult about showering after sweating?? I want to post a sign that says "Shower after you workout because no one wants to smell your nasty ass body odor all day at work!" Do you think I could get away with that? Let me know.... Until next time, please shower after you sweat, Diva Divine

Who Knew??

I emailed my boss yesterday about not finding a sugar daddy at the wedding on Saturday. I also told her about the old geezer who was oogling my goodies. She wrote back and told me letting an old geezer oogle your goodies was community service. I saw my new neighbor yesterday. I think she is Velma from Scooby Doo. Who knew? Until next time, Diva Divine

No sugar daddies to be found....stop oogling my goodies you pervert....Am I weird???

I went to the wedding Saturday in all my fabulosity. My dress looked good, especially with my pink shoes and my little black purse. My hair cooperated, thanks be to God, and I remembered I had glittery hairspray, so I used it to add a little shine to my hair and also to my shoulders and back. (That’s what happens when you spray the stuff, it doesn’t all stay on your hair, it falls on your back and shoulders and on the counter top and the magazines you have on the floor and….) I managed to remember my jewelry and I got out the door on time! Sometimes, that is a feat in and of itself.

The wedding was very beautiful. I loved the dresses the bride had chosen. Everything was very simple and very elegant. Everyone loved our music. It was a good day all around.

The reception didn’t start for almost two hours after the wedding and since I wasn’t about to drive back home and I was too dressed up to go to Target to kill time, a group of us went down to the reception venue and had drinks. This was also good because it ensured that I got a good parking spot. Even though my heels were very comfortable, I didn’t want to walk half a mile both ways just to get there. Did I mention it was 92 degrees yesterday? Yeah, I wasn’t about to walk a half a mile in 92 degree heat in my dress and heels. No merci! The Diva did not sign up for that foolishness.
So, we were all sitting at this big round table, having drinks and appetizers when this older couple walks in and is seated at this table next to ours. The lady had her back to us and the guy was looking right at us. He sort of gave me the creeps, but I was willing to let it slide because I was sipping a nice big Midori sour and getting buzzed. Then I notice the creepy old guy keeps looking over and staring at me and my chest. Hello, you old pervert! Stop looking at my goodies! They aren’t even real. You would be mad if you realized they were chicken cutlets.

It totally set me off. Perhaps it was the alcohol which really helped to make the situation seem more like a big deal than it was, but the guy wouldn’t stop looking over at me and I don’t think he was looking at me because he thought I was cute or he liked my dress. He was looking at my boobage! Yuck, you old geezer! Stop oogling my goodies! You dirty old pervert!
So, after being oogled my some dirty old pervert for the better part of an hour, we went into the reception hall so get our seats. We had no sooner gotten our seats and sat down to chat when Mr. Pervert and his Oblivious Wife walk in and are seated at the table right next to ours!!!! You have got to be kidding me! He is going to oogle my the entire time I am at this reception, too? Oh, hell-to-the-no! My alcohol buzz had worn off by this time, so I was ready to rumble. Lucky for me, the person seated in his line of site was taller than him and he couldn’t stare at me any more. Had that not happened, I’d probably have gone over and kicked is old geezer ass because he had no reason to keep looking at me. I wanted to yell at him and say “Hey, asshole, they’re not even real!! So stop looking at them! You can buy your old cranky wife a pair at Wal-Mart if you like them so much!”

This brings me to a question. All these people yesterday were all teary eyed and weepy at the wedding and the reception when they were giving the toasts. I am sure part of it is because they had known the groom since he was a little kid, but that can’t be all of it. Why do people cry at weddings? It’s supposed to be a happy time. It’s the start of a new life for two people, a new family is being formed, it’s a happy occasion. Why the tears? I think if you are crying you are sad they are getting married and that is not a good thing. I have been to a lot of weddings and I don’t cry. I think I am a freak because I don’t cry at weddings. I think I am not normal because I don’t cry at weddings. What’s the answer? Normal? Abnormal? Please discuss and let me know. Maybe I can conjure up some tears for the next wedding? Until next time, Diva Divine

Vengeance, sweet vengeance

I went to get my haircut today. Before you get all technical, I had all my hairs cut, not just one. Yes, I am a smart ass. Better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass. If you recall, the last time I went to have my hair cut, I had a pedicure as well and it was a less than stellar experience. The pedicurist wouldn't shut her mouth, she offended me by making a comment about my hair cut and the pedicure wasn't the best one I've had in my life and I have had a lot of pedicures in my life. I had something to compare the experience to.

So, back to my story. I went to get my hair cut and I had decided to tell my stylist how offended I was by the pedicurist the last time I was in the salon. She just really rubbed me the wrong way. I expect if I am paying for a service, I should not have to be offended. She had to be told you don't treat customers that way, especially someone who has been a customer for several years. I am known for tipping well and I have never been dissatisfied with the service I have gotten, until six weeks ago when Chatty Cathy had to be a total byotch and ruin the perfect record.

I had it all worked out in my mind how I was going to tell my stylist that Chatty Cathy had offended me the last time I had been in and that he really should talk to her about her client interaction skills. Well, when I went in Chatty Cathy was just lounging in one of the chairs, chatting to someone who was getting their hair cut.... imagine that! I couldn't tell my stylist about her while she was sitting there. Ah! Chatty Cathy is like that pimple that won't go away!

I thought I would tell him after he put the color on my hair, but when I went to sit down and wait for my eyebrow wax, she was still hanging around. I was sitting there, reading a magazine when she has the audacity to come up and ask me if I wanted a manicure or pedicure while I was waiting. Are you f-ing kidding me?? Seriously, I should have just busted her balls right there, but I decided to be a grown-up and politely say "no." Then, my stylist and my eye brow guy, come back to the desk and start talking. I was going to go back and talk to them, since they own the salon, but then Chatty Cathy, like a bad cold, wouldn't go away.

I really was engrossed in my magazine and I could hear them talking. It didn't sound like it was going too good. Ha! I thought, Chatty Cathy is getting in trouble. She gets done talking to them and walks off. I went back to get my brows waxed and I decided it might be the only time I could be free of Chatty Cathy, so I decided to tell my eye brow guy.

I sit down in the chair and I tell my eye brow guy how Chatty Cathy offended me the last time I was in and how I didn't think I would be coming back to get a pedi from her anytime soon. Then, he drops a big bomb on me and says "Yeah, you won't have to worry about that anymore, because we just fired her!" What?? Chatty Cathy got fired because she just sucked! Actually, she didn't do what they asked her to do and she didn't do her share of the work, so Chatty Cathy got the boot! Bye-bye Chatty Cathy! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

So, I didn't have to feel bad about telling how mad Chatty Cathy had made me and possibly getting her in trouble because she cooked her own goose. No more being told "Well, that's an interesting hair cut" or having someone talk the whole time they are giving me a pedicure. Bye-bye Chatty Cathy, nice knowing ya....not!! Until next time, Diva Divine

BTW, my hair looks fierce!

This is what my life has come to....I think I have the beginnings of the perfect country song

This is what my life has come to......


I am singing at a wedding on Saturday. I decided to treat myself to a new dress for the occasion. Why not? Seriously, like I really need an excuse to shop. Yeah, I didn't think so. So, I found a dress on sale. Actually, it was the first dress I tried on. I loved the way it looked and I figured that was as good of an excuse as any. I tried on four other dresses, but none of them made me feel the way that the first dress did when I put it on and looked in the mirror. The only fly in the ointment was I lacked enough boobs to fill the top of the dress out. Yes, my lack of a rack had gotten me again. But I decided that I loved the dress so much I would deal with my lack of boobs later.

So, I bought the dress and last night I went to buy myself some boobs. This is what my life has come to. I have to go buy my boobs so I can fill out the top of a dress. The good Lord giveth and the plastic surgeon taketh away, but the Diva can drop in a pair of "chicken cutlets" and instant cleavage for less than $20.00. No surgery, no hospital visit, no doctor visits, no recovery period. Even better, I can take out the boobs when I don't want them and put them back in when I do. It's the best of both worlds.

I found my chicken cutlets at Wal-Mart. Okay, this sounds like the perfect country song-"I bought my boobs at Wal-Mart, they cost $15.97. I found them next to the trashy underwear and close to checkout 11. I bought my brand new boobs so I could wear my dress, I just hope I don't get near something sharp 'cause that would be a mess! Oh I bought my boobs at Wal-Mart and now I have a rack, all the boys will look at me and say "hot damn she's stacked!" But if those boys get frisky and their hands move up too high, they might get wise and exclaim "Those aren't real, you false advertise!"

Okay, now that I have laughed myself silly, I will leave you with that catchy little ditty. Feel free to send me more lyrics. I think my little song could be a smash hit. Until next time, Diva Divine