Moving on from that, I have to tell you about the log. Picture this, you are walking through the woods at a camp and there is a rather large log suspended about six feet in the air between two trees. The guide tells your group "Everyone in the group has to get to the other side of the log." Being the smart ass I am, I say "So, I can walk under the log?" Um, no, everyone must go over the log. Okay, did I mention to you I am terrified of heights? Yes, standing on anything taller than a chair and I start hyperventilating. Me, going over a log, six feet in the air is probably not going to happen. However, being at camp, you can't just say "I'm not doing this!" Especially in front of a group of teenagers who are doing this activity. All weekend you work on building trust and team building skills and telling them "Sorry, I don't do heights", really isn't an option.
So, we start getting people over the log. Of course the first few weigh absolutely nothing and we do cheerleader stunt lifts to get them over the log. Then, it comes to one of the other girls, who is a little bit bigger. She was so scared to get over the log. She kept telling them "I will hurt one of you." I wanted to tell her "Honey, I've been the biggest girl in the group my whole life-- don't let this hold you back." Everyone encouraged her and we got her over the wall. One of the other tiny ones goes over and then it's my turn. I suddenly want to run away as fast as possible. I am so scared I can't talk. I can't back out now. I somehow get my big ass on the log--although my short little legs nearly kept me from doing it because I couldn't get up there without help. Then, I didn't know how to get down. I was terrified of falling and breaking my leg. I was frozen on that log and I couldn't move. About then, I seriously wanted to die or be plucked off the log by some massive bird, but the chances of that happening were slim to none. I couldn't move and I couldn't figure out how to get down. I was stuck. How do you explain to a group of teenagers "I am too stubborn to just drop down off this log because I have to be in control at all times?" Yeah, that's the break through I had Saturday. I have always been stubborn, but I finally realized just how stubborn I really am. I have to be in control of EVERYTHING or else I want nothing to do with it. I can't just let go and let someone else take care of it. I can't depend on other people because I don't trust that it will get done. Not that I don't think other people will do a good job, it's just that I have always had to be very independent and giving up control of things to other people and depending on them to help me out isn't something I have had to do much and now, I can't do it at all.
I finally started to get very weak and my arms were hurting so badly I started to drop off that log. Suddenly, I had to give up the power and the control. I dropped to the ground and the kids caught me. I didn't fall and die or break my leg. Seriously, it was a huge ordeal. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or do both simultaneously. After we were all done, I had to go take time by myself because I had to process the whole event in my mind. It was a lot to handle and a lot to deal with. It wore me out mentally and the only way to work through it was to go sit by myself and just think and write. It was a very moving experience.
So, I conquered the log and lived to tell all about it. I learned I have so much growing to do and I have to learn to let go. It's a process and I have to be open to that process in order for it to work. I have a lot of "logs" to get over in my life. I just hope I'm smart enough to figure out how to get over them without giving up. Until next time, Diva Divine
The Diva and the Log. Score: Diva 1 Log 0
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