Rest in Peace (pieces) my Lovely Linksys

I am saddened to inform you all of the tragic and untimely death of my Linksys Router. The old Linksys, or Link as I called him/her (can routers have genders??), has been there through it all.... good Internet connections, bad Internet connections, no Internet connections at all. Through the days of online classes and my endless nights of web surfing, Old Link was there for me, like a trusted member of the family. However, in the past three months, Link's health began to decline, dropped Internet connections became the norm and Link didn't like to play nice with my trusty MacBook. Sadly, Link was replaced today by AirPort Express. Link is survived by MacBook, AirPort Express, Motorola Cable Modem and the dust bunnies behind the dresser. Link was preceded in death by my Toshiba Satellite Laptop, which was viciously stolen by punk thugs and presumably busted up for parts or pawned for a quick buck. A traditional Irish Wake was held this evening at my abode for Link. Libations were consumed and Hail Mary's recited. It will be a private burial. Please take a moment to remember Link when you access your wi-fi and remember to thank your router for the fine, fine work it does. I have included photos for all to see.  Until next time, Diva Divine
***Please note, no routers were harmed in the Wake festivities.*****


Ode to Linksys
I purchased you, my Linksys, on a fine spring day
I am sending you off to Techno-Jesus when it's cold and gray.
Once you were so speedy, so reliable, so trusty
Yet, like all technology, you got slow and rusty.
You started going slower and dropping my connection--
I tried to make you work, but couldn't deal with the rejection.
When you wouldn't play nice with my new MacBook, I had to decide--
go back to a PC or commit Router Genocide.
Today I send you off to that techno-graveyard with a tear in my eye,
Good bye my lovely Linksys, good bye, good bye.

**** Yes, I have lost my ever loving mind!********

The hammer has fallen on Link
RIP LinkDon't come between a Diva and her Internet connection



Congrats!!!  It's a girl... AirPort Express!!!  Tied with a bow of course... tee hee!
 

Really, are you kidding me?

Sorry for my absence. I won't make excuses, I'm just lazy and nothing exciting ever really happens in my life. I’ve been going through stuff lately. I just want to sleep and be alone. I don’t have any desire to be around other people, I just want to stay home and sleep. Yes, oh so sunny and fun here at casa de la Diva.

In my insanity last week, I agreed to meet this guy for coffee the day after Christmas. I must have been hit with a stupid stick or something when I said yes. I didn’t know much about this guy, but I know I need to push myself out of my comfort zone and it was only coffee, not a lifetime of commitment.

I almost backed out at the last minute because I just didn’t feel like going. I was running late because it was really foggy. I had been at my Mom’s house for Christmas so I had to drive back home and the drive was not fun. I had 45 minutes to shower, dress, put on make up and drive to Starbucks to meet my coffee date. I just wanted to not show up, but I knew that wasn’t the way to handle the situation, so I just hurried up and got myself ready.

My coffee date was late. I got there with a minute to spare, which is amazing since I had 45 minutes to do everything. I figured he had stood me up when he finally showed up, ten minutes late. He finally walks in and says hello, rushes to the counter and orders his coffee. It was just weird. He kind of blew by me in order to get his coffee fix. I should have taken that as a sign. Run away, right now! But, I didn’t and I spent the next hour and twenty minutes in hell. Okay, not hell but in purgatory.

I felt like it was more of a job interview than a coffee date. Mr. Coffee-aholic chugged his coffee so quickly, I am surprised he could sit still. I think he drank it in the first three minutes of meeting him and then he proceeded to attempt to drain every last drop of coffee from the cup for the duration of the evening.

I found out Mr. Coffee-aholic is a mailman. Also, Mr. Coffee-aholic-Mailman (CAM for short) wears tennis shoes without socks. Hello, Crockett I believe you must have left Tubbs out on your mail route back in the 80’s back in Miami. Mr. CAM listens to NPR and hasn’t watched television in 17 years. Okay, you and I will never be compatible because I have to watch television to see the news or catch multiple episodes of Forensic Files, Law and Order, Jon and Kate Plus Eight and Cold Case Files.

The whole evening just seemed off. Mr. CAM seemed to delight in making me feel like a dumbass or assume I am a dumbass. Didn’t I know that riding a stationary bike was nothing like riding a bike outside? Gee thanks Mr. Obvious, you’re a lifesaver. I never would have figured that one out on my own. I mentioned I was going to run a half-marathon in May. He says to me “You know, you have to train for that.” Really? I said, “I have a trainer and she has me on a schedule.” He then asks me “How much does that cost you?” Huh? Is that really something you need to be asking me? Then, he asks me who my mailman is and I said, “I have no clue.” Oh my goodness, you’d think I had committed acts of treason or something. How dare me not know who delivers my mail. Okay, CAM, I am at work when the mail comes. Therefore, I have no clue who brings it. Furthermore, I don’t really care who brings my mail just as long as it gets to me on time and they don’t swipe my magazines and good mail. He called me narrow minded, or accused me of having narrow vision for not knowing the people around me. I should have slapped him and walked out in dramatic fashion when he said that to me because really, that wasn’t necessary. He also made fun of me for singing in the choir at church and singing church music.

However, that doesn’t even compare to the next topic. He actually had the audacity to ask me whom I voted for in the last election. HUH? Did I hear you correctly? Did you just ask me whom I voted for CAM? None ya… none ya damn business CAM! That’s between God, the paper ballot and me. I was offended.

The evening was finally over. CAM had to deliver the mail the next day. Sorry CAM, I don’t work on Saturday. I will be sitting on my couch watching television. I won’t be going out to see who brings my mail and I won’t be opening any emails from you, either. I hope you can find Tubbs, because perhaps that person will appreciate you for the ass you are. Opps, did I say that aloud? And I wonder why I’m still single? Until next time, Diva Divine

I just have freakishly large calf muscles

I went to the sports med doctor today for a check-up on my gimpy knee. I was anticipating that I might get released from treatment today. I haven't had much pain at all and I have been running again, even if it's only for about five minutes at a time, I am running. After gaining 12 pounds in 6 weeks, I knew if I didn't get back to running, I was going to need to get a zip code for my large ass. I have to push myself, because my endurance has decreased so much in the last few months, even though I had been working out, it's like starting all over again.

I asked the doctor about my huge calves when I was in the office. I have seriously been thinking I need to make an appointment with the plastic surgeon to schedule some lipo on my calves. The doctor told me I have very muscular calves and there really isn't that much fat on my calves. OMG! Are you serious? This is the one part of my body where I don't have a bunch of fat! He told me I can thin out the muscle, but I will never have dainty, cute calves. I have the calves of a pro-bowl linebacker.

I guess I can forgo that visit to plastic surgeon and either special order my boots or forgo the idea of boots all together. I did find out I can special order boots from a local department store, so I may look into this option. I would really like to have a pair of knee high boots just because I want a pair. I will let you all know how that turns out. Until next time, Diva Divine

Glamour Don't

I know I am going to hell for snapping this picture, but this girl was begging to be classified as a Glamour don't. Yes, this stunt has more than likely ensured my seat in hell will be waiting for me, but it was worth it because either this girl is either working for Santa, her Pimp is Santa or her Pimp is working part-time as Santa and digs the get-up. Please, please, please slap me if I ever wear such an outfit in public. Oh wait, that won't happen because my calves are too fat for those kind of boots! So, I guess I won't have to worry! I know, God will get me for being so mean, but He gave me fat calves, so I can be a little bitter. Until next time, Diva Divine

Britney: for the record....Craptastic. television at. its. finest!

My girl Brit is back in the saddle and she has herself a new show, a documentary if you will, on MTV appropriately titled Britney: for the record. Brit's Daddy opens the show making his baby some cheese grits! You know, according to Jamie, Brit's Daddy, other people eat Wheaties, girls from the South eat cheese grits. Perhaps that's how Brit got those big jugs?

I think the doctors have Brit on some heavy medication. She is way too mellow. Like she is in Stepford Mode or something. It's like she is Britney on permanent edit. She is really kind of freaking me out because she is just so- bland and robotic. A far cry from the girl who shaved her own head and chased after the photog's. Man, I miss that crazy Britney because you never knew what you were going to get. It was like opening a box of chocolates.... Brit was the Whitman Sampler without the nice map in the lid.

Whatever Brit is on, I would like a nice big dose of it. Perhaps it would solve all my problems and also clear up my face. Perhaps it would also help me win a VMA, launch my new album, patch things up with my baby Daddy, discover a cure for cancer and find the key to world peace.

Yes, Britney: for the record. Craptastic .television. at. its. best.

TTFN, Diva

Best line: "People thought I was on drugs." I wonder why anyone would have thought that Britney? Maybe because you acted like you were on drugs??? Possibly???

Get over it already!

I've been having some trouble with my stomach. Okay, saying that I am having some trouble with my stomach would be an understatement. I've been having a lot of trouble with my stomach. The antibiotics the dermatologist gave me to clear up my face have done just that, and they have also cleared my digestive system as well. I adjusted the time I took the medicine. I made sure I took it with food. I took it with bread. I took it with milk. I took it while standing on one foot, turning in circles and humming "Dixie", but nothing helped. I called the doctor last week and they told me it was okay to only take the medicine once a day. That worked for about five minutes. That just kept me from making five trips to the bathroom before lunch. I started taking Imodium and Gas-X, which helped but only a little. Just enough to help me not have a big blow out at any given moment. It's been very embarrassing.

I was doing really well on Thursday. No problems after taking my medicine, but I did eat a lot at Thanksgiving dinner and that probably helped to absorb the medicine. I thought things were going really well, like I had made it over the hump, and then Friday, it all came crashing down on me. I woke up with an awful backache and I couldn't stay awake for anything. I kept falling asleep and no matter what I did, I could only stay awake for thirty minutes at a time and then I would be out for a few hours. It was not good. I finally forced myself to get up. I wanted to drive back to my house because I had so much to do here. I can only stay in my hometown for about a day because they don't have Starbucks, Target or a 24-Hour Kroger. I got a shower and got dressed then got packed up to leave and then it hit me!!! AHHHHHH!!!! MUST GET TO BATHROOM NOW!!!!!!

So my bathroom escapades have started again. I spent most of yesterday in bed, much like Friday, and late last night, I ended up on the bathroom floor in pain, thinking I was either going to throw up or die from the stabbing stomach pains I was experiencing. All I could think was "I am going to die and they will find me Monday morning when I don't show up for work. Someone will walk in here and find me on the bathroom floor in my t-shirt and underwear." At least the underwear were clean. I don't know how long I stayed on the floor, but it took everything I had to get up and crawl into bed. I spent most of today in bed and I finally had to get up because I had to get my oil changed in my car and I had to sing at Mass. I am calling the doctor tomorrow and asking them to change my medicine because this is not fun. What good is it for my skin to be cleared up if I have to spend all my time in the bathroom? Really, I want to tell my stomach "Get over it already!" I just don't think my stomach is listening. Until next time, Diva Divine

I almost didn't make it home...

I went to see the dermatologist on Tuesday to take care of some horrible acne I have been having on my back, chest and my face. It was oh so much fun to go see the doctor and let her pick around on my back and see me at my finest. I forgot to mention I almost had to clean the clock of the nurse who had the audacity to tell me "Your acne isn't that bad. I've seen much worse." Okay bitch and I've gotten people fired from their jobs for saying less than that to me. Just talk to the lady who worked for my orthodontist who yelled at me about not brushing my teeth, when I had just brushed my teeth five minutes before my appointment in the office. She accused me of having bread stuck in my brackets, even though I hadn't had bread in days. The "bread" was toothpaste residue and when I told the office manager about Ms. Meanie Pants and how she made me cry, Ms. Meanie Pants wasn't in the office the next time I had an appointment. Yeah Nurse Ratched watch it because you could be next.

Anyhow, they put me on some antibiotics for my acne, which was diagnosed as cystic acne. The first few days, I was fine. But, my stomach and antibiotics don't get along very well. I was hoping this time I was going to escape the icky side effects however, the side effects reared their ugly head late Friday and I have been staying close to the bathroom for the last two and a half days. It really sucks to be chained to the toilet because you are afraid you are going to have a big blow out episode of antibiotic diarrhea. I almost had a big blow out episode in the grocery store and on my way from the garage to my house and again on the way from my front door to the top of my stairs. Oh, it's so much fun getting a full colon cleanse every few hours.

I am trying to make it through this episode of blowout antibiotic gas and diarrhea. I was supposed to have MC come over today and help me move the cabinet from my car to my house, however, when you are expelling gas from your ass, you don't want to have a hottie come over and be exposed to that loveliness. So, I still have a cabinet in my car, gas coming from my ass and pains in my stomach. Oh, I love being me! But at least my skin is clearing up! Until next time, Diva Divine