Now, I feel old.

Tonight I attended the 8th grade graduation for my first class of Kindergarten students. It was a bittersweet event for me. They were my first group of "babies" and I am sure they would not want to see that in print, but they were my first group and they were always be my "babies". I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by. Yesterday, they were walking into my blazing hot 85 degree classroom (Catholic School, no, we didn't have air conditioning) and now, they are going off to high school in the fall. I thought, "Now I feel old!"

It was quite fitting I go to their graduation because not only were they closing a chapter in their lives, I am also closing a chapter in mine. It felt right to go back and watch them graduate. They were my first Kindergarten class and I wanted to remember how much I loved teaching back then. Seeing them march in to Pomp and Circumstance stirred up in me all those great memories. It made me remember how excited I got when the school year was ready to begin. When I couldn't wait to meet my students and see what great things the year would bring. I couldn't wait to see how much the children would change and grow as the year progressed. This was when I loved to go to my job every day and every day was an exciting adventure. Those feeling were so strong in me until about two years ago. Then, something in me just changed. I don't know what it was, why, or how it happened, but when I began school in the fall of 2006, I just didn't have it in me. I was just going through the motions. I don't know if it was because the class I had the previous year had been amazing and no one else could measure up. Maybe it had something to do with the amount of flexibility I had the previous year, I had two groups of students and I was always switching groups so things never got dull. Things were always moving and changing. Again, I had these amazing kids who were so bright, it made me think "this is exactly how teaching is supposed to be." It was teaching perfection, Brigadoon, if you will. But, just like Brigadoon, the enchantment can be broken.

It wasn't that I didn't enjoy the students I had for the last two years, but something in me just wasn't right. I just wanted each day to be done so I could go home and get away from it all. I wasn't enjoying it but I didn't really know how to fix it. It was just a job to me, not the adventure it had been previously. This year, things only got worse. It was about all I could do to function. I would get up in the morning and think "Didn't I just do this...Is this week over yet...How many more days until I get a vacation?" I didn't want to go back to school after Christmas. I really didn't want to go back after Spring Break. I just wanted to walk away from it all because I finally realized how unhappy it was making me. That's when I realized I had to tell them I wasn't coming back. It wasn't just the school I was teaching at, it wasn't the grade, it was teaching in general. As scary as the prospect of not knowing what the future held was, I felt it was better than hating what I was doing every day and making myself and everyone around me miserable. Working at Starbucks appealed to me more than being in a classroom all day. I didn't care if I had to have two jobs to maintain my standard of living, as long as I wasn't teaching all day, stranded in a classroom without any windows or flexibility and this looming feeling of being stifled and stuck in an imaginary box you couldn't escape. It was like I was being suffocated.

As soon as I wrote my letter of resignation, I immediately felt this weight being taken off my shoulders. I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. I knew there was something better to be had, even if it was working at Starbucks, at least I didn't have to take any work home with me. Also, you get a good discount at Starbucks and they have decent benefits. I figured I could use the time to try to figure out what I was supposed to be doing and get my life together.

I think the job I am interviewing for this week is what I am supposed to be doing. I don't want to sound all weird or anything, but there is always a reason for everything that happens to you in your life. We may not know why things happen and we might not like what happens, but it always happens for a reason. This job has actually been open since late February, but they just couldn't find the right person for the position and they kept it open until they had candidates they felt would be right for the position and they only had a few candidates come in for face to face interviews. Maybe this position stayed open because I am the person who is supposed to fill their need. I think I looked on their website and found the position for a reason. I hope I am not reading too much into this, but I feel good about it.

So, tonight as I watched my first Kindergarten students graduate, I said good bye to that person I was and I am excited about the prospect of what is to be. I closed that chapter of my life and I am starting a new chapter. I have no clue how it will play out, I don't know where it might lead, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing, but I know I am going to do something that is going to make me happy. I am not going to do a job just because that is what I earned my college degree in or because it's a job and it will pay my bills. Sure, I may have to scrimp and work at a job that is not exactly what I want (Starbucks, temp work), but I know it won't be forever. If this job is meant to be, then it will happen. Just as my first group of Kindergarten students anxiously await to see what their future holds, I too am with them, waiting to see what path I am supposed to take and where my life will lead. It might leave me a little unsure from time to time and cause me some stress or uneasiness, but in the end, what is meant to be, will happen. Until next time, Diva Divine