Baby, let's make a run for the border...

I have abstained from Taco Bell for the almost nine months. At first, it was agonizing, driving by and hearing my name being faintly chanted "Diva, Diva stop and have some muy delicioso comida rapida! We miss you!" Then, it didn't really have that much of an effect on me. I could take it or leave it. After a while, I was too afraid to eat it because I thought it wouldn't be able to control myself and I would end up in a food coma with cheese and drool dripping down my chin and my eyes all glazed over. Finally, today I decided I would make a run for the border and confront my demons.

I started out making my game plan, which includes looking up all the food choices and figuring out what I might want to order so I can stay in my calorie count. I planned on eating a few crunchy tacos and some rice. Not too many calories and it would satisfy my border craving. It sounded like a plan.

I think everyone had the same idea I had today because the line to get into Taco Bell was about five miles long. Actually, that was just the line to get into the drive thru. I went in, to avoid the line, and walked right up to the counter. No waiting.

I ended up having Fresco Tacos, which are the fresher alternative to the traditional taco. I got my border fix and went back to work to eat in peace. My fresco tacos were tasty...although, I did miss the cheese...fresco tacos don't have cheese. I didn't go all crazy from eating it and it did satisfy my craving. I don't think I will be hitting the border as much as I did before I went all straight and narrow, but every once in awhile, it's okay.

However, I do have to say that Taco Bell has nothing on the tacos from Jack-In-The-Box. I love, love, love Jack-in-the-Box tacos. The only problem is we don't have Jack-in-the-Box here in the metropolis. I've only been to Jack-in-the-Box once last summer with my friend Kerrie. Once you've had a Jack-in-the-Box taco, you never forget how wonderful they taste. Kerrie knows my love of Jack-in-the-Box tacos and last week, she sends me a text taunting me "Sitting at Jack in box now!" Talk about torture....that was torture. It made me want to get in my car and drive to the nearest Jack-in-the-Box, which is about 222.19 miles away! I have seriously considered it a number of times.

I went and had my blood drawn today by the vampires....opps, the nice people at the lab today. It wasn't too bad. The worst part of it was taking off the band aid they put on my arm after the finished. I think I lost some skin because the band aids are so cheap they use some glue that is like permabond. Ripping that band aid off hurt worse than being stuck with the big long needle.

I am exhausted and I think it is time to go to bed. I have to pack up my bag and hit the hay. If anyone out there would like to send me some Jack-in-the-Box tacos, just let me know. I will be your friend forever! Until next time, Diva Divine

Today was not my day....

Some days just aren't your days. You can't win them all, so when a day goes wrong, you just have to chalk it up to handling what life hands you. Today was not my day. I've had a lot of good days in a row, so I can't be too honked off. You can't win them all.

The day started off okay. I was able to drag myself out of bed and get to the gym. I did sprints today, so I alternated between walking and running. I felt like I worked hard and I was pleased with myself. I did notice after getting out of the shower I had a blister on my toe, the toe that always has a blister or a hunk of skin hanging on it. So, that's not really that big of a deal. However, I should have been tipped off when I nearly burned myself with the curling iron and I didn't really have a good hair day. I just couldn't get the right amount of volume in the crown. I am going to blame it on the humidity.

Work was okay today. I was busy. I actually got in ten minutes early so I could get some things done before it got too busy. I had about a million emails to respond to and things to organize. I like to utilize the quiet time when not too many people are in the office. I can get in the zone and accomplish a lot. I knew I wouldn't be at my desk too much because I had two meetings and a conference call.

First thing this morning, I sat down with my boss and went over a bunch of new employee items. I had a few questions about some things which had come up and I wanted to make sure I was on the right track. As we were going over things, she gets this email about the taping session we were attending later in the morning. They told us they were buying lunch and we needed to send our order. I tell my boss what I want and she emailed my order with hers. Simple. Done. No problem. However, I had some foreboding sense of impending disaster looming on the horizon. We will get back to that later.

I had a big taping session today that I had to attend. Basically, I watched and listened to someone give a speech we are taping so our Marketing/PR Department could put together PowerPoint presentations for this person to use when they go on the road to promote the company. It was a good speech. I learned things about the company. It was a win-win situation.

However, remember that foreboding sense of impending disaster looming on the horizon, well, it hit after the speech ended. The head of Marketing/PR looks at me and says "We can't find your lunch. Sorry. We have something else in the bag if you want it." Really, are you kidding me? How do you just forget to make sure you had all the stuff you ordered? Sorry? Sorry isn't going to produce a lunch for my hungry ass. Sorry isn't going to make my stomach stop growling. I guess I wouldn't have been so mad had they not stood around for thirty minutes during the speech checking all the bags, seeing that there was no order for me, when they could have done something about it. No, lets just wait until it's time to eat and then say "Sorry, no food for you." I didn't want whatever they had left in the bag because I had planned out what I had ordered, so I could know how many calories I was eating. Yes, I know I was being difficult, but it just rubbed me the wrong way.

I left the building after the recording session and went to find food. I had to pick up a prescription from my doctor, so I had planned to leave work during my lunch time. Of course, I have to get behind the dumbest driver on the planet. You know the one who drives ten miles below the posted speed limit, won't get out of the left lane and when you get into the other lane, they somehow manage to get in front of you and make your life a living hell. I almost ran the guy over. I was in that kind of mood.

I almost got hit walking across the parking lot at the doctor's office. I am not joking. I managed to get into the building and back to my car without being struck by any idiot drivers. I considered going home for lunch, but I knew if I went home, I wouldn't want to leave. Not that I didn't want to go back to work, I was just bitter. I think my hormone levels are all screwy.

Anyhow, I did manage to get some lunch. I ordered a ham sandwich with only mayo on wheat. I get my sandwich and it had MUSTARD on it. I do not like mustard. At. All. I thought about just eating it, but I just can't do mustard. I had to take my food back and ask them to fix it. I just hope they didn't spit in my sandwich.

I got back to work and did a few odds and ends before my next meeting, which subsequently was held in a room whose temperature was only slightly warmer than Siberia. I was completely awake for that meeting, considering I had to keep moving so I wouldn't die from hypothermia. The only thing I could think was "I want this meeting to be over so I can go out to my desk and get warm."

The rest of the day was okay. Other than the fact that I lost part of a shipment for a customer. I think I accidentally sent it to someone else. I guess someone will be surprised to get things they didn't ask for in their educational material. Hopefully, they will learn a few new things.

I went to the doctor to find out what is wrong with me. There is a good possibility I have a thyroid problem. Woo Hoo! I am seriously hoping there is no problem because my aunt, who is a nurse, told me once you are on thyroid medicine, you are on it for the rest of your life. Yeah, not really something I want to sign up for. Take me off that guest list, merci! So, I am going tomorrow to have my blood drawn by the vampires, opps, I mean the nice people at the lab. Until next time, pray my thyroid is normal and all this stuff is in my head! Diva Divine

I don't even know what to say....

I know I tell a lot of stories about things that happen at the gym, but the place is a veritable cornucopia of blogworthy-ness. Seriously, the things people do at the gym are just too good to pass up. Well this morning was the proverbial icing on the cake.

I was on the bike this morning and there was a lady on the treadmill who was obviously not a regular. I hadn't seen her before. She had about 2 percent body fat and she was running in a jog bra. So Miss 2% Body Fat gets done running and goes out to the parking lot and stands out there like she is waiting for someone to meet her. Then, she begins to do yoga poses. Okay, Miss 2% Body Fat is certifiably insane. Call the nice men in the white coats!

After doing several yoga poses, Miss 2% Body Fat comes back into the gym and goes to the weight lifting equipment. I went to the shower and kept shaking my head about her doing yoga poses in the middle of the Costco parking lot. I knew it was going to be a story I could post for all of you to read.

Well, just when you think, it's over the story only gets better. I took my shower and was getting ready when Miss 2% Body Fat walks into the locker room. She proceeds to strip down completely and parade through the locker room like it was nothing out of the ordinary. It was like she was showing off how wonderful her body looked. Yes, we all know you only have 2% Body Fat. We could tell that when you had clothes on. You really don't need to parade around nude to rub it in our faces. Yes, I probably sound like a bitter fat girl, but seriously what was she trying to prove?

Miss Look at Me I Look Amazing Naked 2% Body Fat gets into the shower and spares us from her naked parading. I was trying to get ready before she got out of the shower and started to parade around in all her nakedness again. Well, I was not fast enough and Miss 2% Body Fat whips open the shower curtain and stands there in front of the mirror naked and looks at herself in the mirror. I was trying to curl my hair, so I had to use the mirror or burn myself, and since I didn't want a big curling iron burn on my face, I had to use the mirror, Miss 2% Body Fat then announces "IF THEY SOLD TOWELS HERE, THEY WOULD MAKE A MINT!" Okay, no they wouldn't Miss 2% Body Fat, because it would increase the membership fees and the major reason most people belong to this gym is because it is a lot cheaper than the Y or other gyms where they offer things like towels. We bring our own towels and that keeps our membership at $19.95 a month! Miss 2% Body Fat, you might have a nice body, but you are not the brightest bulb on the bush.

So, Miss 2% Body Fat uses paper towel to dry her body off, in front of the mirror, nonetheless and then she gets dressed and skips out of the locker room. I was happy to see her gone. Seriously, you can be proud of the way you look and be proud of your body, but standing in front of the mirror and parading your nakedness around to all the people in the locker room like "Your body will never look as good as mine" is a little too much. I have come to like my body a little more over the last few months, but I don't parade around in front of people and say "Look at me, Look at me!" At least now I will get undressed in front of people and I don't hide behind the shower curtain. It's baby steps.

I had enough nakedness to last me for a very long, long, long time. I hope Miss 2% Body Fat doesn't come back to the gym anytime soon. I don't think I can deal with her parading herself all over. Plus, she didn't have shower shoes and you know there are ten bazillion germs on locker room floors. Until next time, Diva Divine

Don't be a stupid!

I just got home from answering the phones at the nursing home. I then went to the grocery store and stood in line for eons because I had two too many items to use the self checkout and Kroger only opens two lanes and everyone in those lanes is buying groceries for an army and they have the two slowest cashiers on duty, too. I finally get home, 50 minutes after leaving work, and I enter the complex with caution because there are always kids running around and I really don't want to hit a small child with my car. I come around the curve and there is a group of little boys on bikes. They are in the middle of the road goofing off. I stop my car and wait for them to get out of the road. They look right at me and one of them says "Car! Get out of the road!" Then, he proceeds to go out in the middle of the road and stand there! Then he runs back to the side of the road and back out into the road again! Hello, are you a stupid??? Get the hell out the middle of the road!! Are you wanting people to hit you? For real! Where the hell is your momma? I swear, I should have gotten out and spanked that kid! Oh hells yeah! Playing out in the middle of the road like a stupid, he deserved a good spankin'! Until next time I promise not to hit any little kids with my car, but I can't guarantee I won't spank them. Diva Divine

Bye, bye Speed Racer, So tired, What do you do with all the teacher stuff?

This morning, I was sitting out on the couch eating my daily bowl of frosted shredded wheat when I hear a commotion in the hallway. At first it sounded like Cowboy Bob hitting his boots against the floor, like he was trying to get all the dirt out of them. Great, Cowboy Bob, make a big mess on the floor! The noise continued so I went to the door to investigate. That's when I see Pothead Pete(AKA Speed Racer) carrying things out the door. Could it be, Pete was moving out? Yes, it did appear that Pete was moving out. Bye, bye Speed Racer, you and your cloud of maryjane smoke that nearly knocked me over on several occasions. I won't miss you and your huge dog who you thought it was okay to take out without a leash, even though our leases state all animals must be on a leash. I also won't miss your Speed Racer Video Game.

With the hallway commotion mystery solved, I settled down on the couch where I immediately fell asleep. I have been so tired lately I am beginning to become concerned. There is no reason why I should be so tired. I really want to do things and I have no energy. I just can't seem to drag my body out of the bed unless I know I have to do something. I am going back to the doctor this week to see if she can determine why I am so tired all the time. I have wasted the whole day sleeping because I couldn't wake up and get my body off the couch.

I am sitting here looking at my display shelf which is filled with a plethora of teacher-esque treasures. That brings me to the question, "What do you I do with all this teacher stuff?" I really have no use for it anymore. I don't want to look at it and the thought of dusting it off, well, I don't dust. So, what do you think I should do with all my teacher stuff? Do I have a "Teacher Stuff" yard sale? Do I donate it to charity? Do I just put it away and forget about it? I have no clue what to do with it.

Well, I am getting tired again and I am really hungry. I think I will have a celebratory dinner to commemorate Pete's moving out. I don't know what I have in the refrigerator. I think it will have to be something quick because I don't have the energy to hang out in the kitchen and make something elaborate. Until next time, Diva Divine

Next time, I'll Bring My Can Opener...Stinky Makes Her Return

I got my lazy ass out of bed this morning so I could go to the gym. I made myself get up, because I have to lose this weight. Yes, I am still bitter, party of one about my weight gain. I have to be really hard on myself otherwise, I will continue to slide down this slippery slope I am on right now.

So, I get all my stuff out the door. I load it in the back of my car and as I close the rear lift gate of the car, I realize the car next to mine is really close. Like it's so close I don't think I will be able to get into my car. I get the door open, but I can't get into the car. Being the idiot I can be at 5:40 in the morning, I think I can fit my body in the space large enough for a small child, so I try to get into the car. I get my thigh in the door and then, I manage to get myself stuck. Yes, my big fat thigh stuck in my door. I almost rip my whole thigh off trying to get back out of the car. I start cussing up a blue streak and I am surprised I didn't wake up the whole apartment complex.

What idiot parks so close to the car next to them that the other person can't get into their car? Obviously, the answer to that question is the idiot who drives a White Ford Taurus and lives in my apartment complex, that's who. I stand behind my car and try to figure out what to do. I have to get to the gym. I need to get in my car. I won't fit in a space that is about 8 inches wide and I don't feel like losing my thigh trying to get in the car. Although, that would be a quick way to lose weight.

Finally, I decide to get in the passengers side of the car, crawl over the center console and into my seat. I back my car up and decide to leave my idiot neighbor a note stating "Thanks for making it nearly impossible for me to get into my car. Learn how to park!" Then, I took a picture of the person's license plate and the type of car they were driving because if they ever do something to my car, I know who to go looking for. I also know to never park near them again.

So, I make it to the gym and I get my workout in, even with part of my thigh still lodged in the door of my car. Okay, not really, but it did hurt. I was in the locker room after my workout. I hadn't seen "Stinky Girl" from earlier in the week. You know, the one who didn't take a shower after her workout. Well, I was standing at the counter putting on my make up and who walks in? You're right, STINKY GIRL! Stinky girl comes in and gets a baggie out of her locker. She comes over and washes her face. She then puts some stuff on her face, rather methodically, I might add. Then, she goes back out to the gym floor. She comes back and gets Oil of Olay out of her bag. She again, applies it rather methodically and puts her stuff back in her locker. She then starts getting ready without taking a shower! YUCK! It doesn't matter that she only has 2% body fat, she had still been exercising and if you have been exercising you need to take a shower. Plain and simple. Exercise, then take a shower.

I really want to send Stinky Girl a memo, but I don't think that is nice. Seriously, does she just not understand that you have to shower after you exercise? Did her Mom not teach her that? Did she miss that day in health class? Is she really that dumb? I hope her coworkers give her the memo, because not showering after you have been to the gym is just flat out heinous. Think of me what you want, but I'm right. Until next time, Diva Divine

I'm a big, lazy heifer

I have been exhausted the past few days. I'm not talking just being tired, I'm talking about being lethargic. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I have been pushing myself to keep going and today, I just couldn't push anymore. I woke up at 5:00 and went to the bathroom, thinking I would just go back to sleep until 5:30. Well, the alarm went off at 5:30 and I turned it off and went right back to sleep. I didn't wake up until 5:45 and I just couldn't get myself out of bed. I kept telling myself "GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF BED AND GO TO THE GYM" but I just couldn't move. I kept trying to get up, but I just couldn't do it.

After doing this for almost an hour, I finally decided I would just stay in bed until 7:00 because I just couldn't get up and there wasn't enough time to go workout anyhow. I completely sabotaged myself this morning by not getting up and going to the gym. Did it really do anything for me to stay in bed for that extra hour and a half? No, not really because it wasn't a restful sleep. I should have gotten up and gotten to the gym.

I spent most of the day feeling so tired. Lethargic. I just wanted to go to sleep. It was awful. I kept thinking it was because I didn't go to the gym. I always feel better when I go to the gym. I sat in a conference call this morning and tried to not yawn and nod off. This afternoon, I sat through another meeting and did the same thing. I take tons of notes so I can keep my mind engaged and then there is less of a chance I'll yawn and nod off. It has nothing to do with what we are discussing in the meeting, if I am tired, I will yawn and nod off.

So, I went to the doctor for a weigh in after work. I was afraid to get on the scale because I just felt heavy. I was right, I had gained weight. I don't know what my problem is, but the scale is going up, not down. I have been working out and trying to eat right, but the last two times I have been to the doctor, I have gained weight. The first time, we just thought it was water, but now, we don't know. I am completely bummed. I thought maybe I had gained some muscle mass, maybe that is why I have gained weight because muscle weighs more than fat, but I don't know if that is the case. I think my body is completely messed up. I am just a big, lazy heifer.

After my rude awakening at the doctor's office, I came home and took a nap because my head was pounding. After my nap, I got up and had dinner and I've been just vegging out. I should have gone out for a walk, but I am sitting here on the couch on my lazy ass. No, I am not helping myself here. I have to make myself get up in the morning and work my lazy ass off at the gym. I have to get this weight off...like yesterday. I'm taking my lazy heifer self to bed. Until next time, Diva Divine